Incident Report

When: Tuesday night, around 5 o'clock
Where: Law school parking lot
What: One *%!?# 1998 Mitsubishi Galant. One coldest-day-of-the-year. Four frozen car doors. Zero lighters, and no smokers in the vicinity. One cell phone left at home. One stubborn Canuck. One trunk. One already-broken back seat. And one baseball bat.
Classify As: Things One Learns at Law School

Witnesses claim to have last spotted a white female of above average height answering to the name "More to Love" entering the parking lot around 4:57 p.m. carrying her keys and a blue backpack. When attempts to open her doors failed, the suspect appeared to return to the law school. She was gone for approximately ten minutes. Witnesses inside stated suspect appeared exasperated, confused, and determined to leave "if it kill[ed her]" while enunciating a plan to break into her own vehicle.

Suspect reentered the parking lot, hesitating briefly as a troup of BC freshmen walked by and stared. Suspect managed to open the trunk and, seizing a baseball bat kept inside the trunk for alleged "pick-up baseball games," forced down the back seat of the vehicle. Suspect proceeded to enter the car via the trunk, squeezing self and backpack under the backloading CD player and into the body of the car before becoming temporarily wedged with her feet hanging out of the trunk. (Suspect appeared to be laughing and/or crying at this point.)

Suspect appeared to leave premises with pride intact.